Archive-name: Bondage/njlist20.txt
Archive-author: Nurse Jones
Archive-title: The List - 20 of 20


From Nurse Jones,

     I'm getting pretty good at hypnosis. Or maybe Jay is just
very susceptible to induction; he seems to get more so as we work
at it. I can get him into a trance in just a few minutes now,
having planted posthypnotic suggestions that help. In fact, I
have had him following posthypnotic suggestions for a week now,
just harmless ones, but increasing in complexity. For example I
tried giving him a complicated sequence for shaving his face in
the morning, for example. It worked fine. I did that so I could
watch him to see if it worked: I'm usually in the bathroom
putting on my face while he's shaving.
     I'm even getting time compression to work. The last two
times I gave him complicated instructions, I had him repeat them
silently to himself eight times in thirty seconds real time, an
hour experiental time, and he did. He took all the time he needed
to do it, and it saved hours of repetition on my part.
     I think we're ready to "do" him. It's still me that I'm
worried about, but not as much. Jay is working on that, also
through hypnosis, and it seems to be working. I must be an easier
subject than he is. One of the books we have said that might be
the case. I'm a bit of an exhibitionist, and don't feel as
defensive as Jay about "letting myself go" in front of him.
Anyway, I'm beginning to accept the idea. Jay isn't going to be
changed, or a different person. There is this tiny, silent,
female voice inside him. It is there in most men, overwhelmed and
vestigial. She will have her moment in the sun, and Jay will
watch from the inside and learn what he wants to know about
himself, experience what he wants to experience. I will be
preparing him like a makeup artist would an actor for a part.
While she's here, I'll have a few hours to make a new friend, get
to know that side of Jay, however briefly. Someone (Phillip, I
think) said I needed a mission. That's it, I think. A few months
ago, I would have thought revenge to be mission enough. Bring her
out, send her back. LET him walk the walk. That's the mission.
That helped. It was an insight.
     Thanks, Philip.
     I have some questions for Kayvan. First, I've got the
collected papers of Milton Erickson, as you suggested, and some
commentaries by his disciples. He really is by far the most
useful. And I'm beginning to think that all this physical
preparation I've done is unnecessary. I'm pretty sure I could
make him think he was female--while in a trance--without all the
elaborate makeup, the body suit, the prosthetic femininity, etc.
Which would be better?
     My original feelings were that the experience would be
lessened for him if it all took place while I had him under. So I
had planned to work to convince him that he would be female (for
a limited time) upon waking, and reinforce the illusion with
makeup, etc., and dim lights. Have him reenter the trance and
turn back into a pumpkin at midnight. Maybe I should forget the
makeup? But the act of putting it on is part of being female, and
I was going to have him participate in that to a very limited
extent. And (this is important) _I_ want to perceive him visually
as a totally female different person rather than as a campy Jay,
which I could not stand.
     Big question: keep him under for the whole experience? or
bring him out as female and put him back under afterward? I've
tried two posthypnotic suggestions that lead me to think I can do
this:
     (1) I gave him a posthypnotic suggestion to make one of his
legs go to sleep temporarily when I triggered the response, so I
know I can cause perceptual distortion hours after the session.
     (2) I gave him a posthypnotic suggestion that put him back
into a trance while we were making love, triggered by key words
again. That worked, too. I wasn't sure if it would, because of
the situation, but it did. I was on top when I whispered the
trigger in his ear. We stopped moving, and he concentrated while
I did a sex change on him. I told him I was developing a penis
and he a vagina, breasts, etc., all the while moving my hips just
enough to create the impression that things were changing down
there. I told him that when he awoke he would be female while we
made love and that then I would put him under again.
     When he opened his eyes, he didn't say anything, he just
looked at me and began moving his hips experimentally. He spread
his legs and pulled me to him, the way I do when I'm on the
bottom. I kind of wish I had been hypnotized too. I often
fantasize that I have a penis when I'm on top, but I'd like to
know what it's like to believe it. It was actually a very tender
moment. His orgasm was much less, um, athletic (?) than usual. I
didn't even have an orgasm. I was working. I put him back under
immediately after his, though, and reversed everything. But he
remembers it all.
     I could probably go either way. Do it while he's under, or
after and put him back. With or without props. I think the props
might be more important to me, but I guess they couldn't hurt
from his standpoint, so long as they don't actually interfere. I
got a corset made for him while I was in San Fran, for example.
That would be a surprise I think he/she would welcome, but it
could interfere, too.
     Kayvan? Time is nigh. Guidance, please. Do we need more
practice runs? Option A or B?
     While I had him under last weekend, I asked him to tell me
why he wanted me to top him, what he wanted out of it. (A
suggestion from Fred.) He really thought about his answers,
concentrated on organizing his thoughts. I had asked him to do
this after I put him under, and he was very straightforward and
organized about it. When he spoke, he gave me a prepared-sounding
statement, told me there were 7 reasons (he had even counted
them):
     1. He wanted me to know how I would feel as a top so I would
          know what he was experiencing, what I was giving him,
          and
     2. So I would be able to experience the feelings I already
          had, the feelings I was so ashamed of, that earth-
          mother-god-like benevolent control. He didn't know
          specifically that that's what I would feel, but he's
          glad that was it, because
     3. He liked seeing me feel those emotions and he liked being
          the recipient of them.
     4. He said he wanted me to show him how I wanted to be
          treated as a bottom. And how I liked to be treated as a
          woman.
     5. He wanted the experience of being a woman like I was
          during The List.
     6. He wouldn't feel entitled to the experiences of Column
          One until he had paid his dues. Besides, looking to the
          future,
     7. He won't feel he has the right to go back to the way it
          was, with me as bottom, until after he's been there.

     1 and 2 were for me.
     3, 4, and 5 were selfish, for him.
     6 and 7 were guilt for the past, justification for the
future. His words, not mine.

     All this makes it seem so complex and psychological, but
it's more important to me to understand this now that I find it
so hard. When I was the bottom I didn't want to think about
motivations because I liked it and didn't want to think about
why. I don't like being a top as much, and I'm looking for
reasons; I guess I'm really just fishing for a reason to stop
being the top.
     Jesus. Wordstar tells me I've been taking myseslf seriously
for three pages now. You must be bored silly.

Nurse Jones,
     who even fits her OWN definition of a female bore:
          Someone who is more interested in herself than in me.

--