As you know, I've long pondered the different sides of myself. I've come to regard the Steve/S distinction to be, while somewhat useful, much too simplistic (as all such models will be), and not really honest. By pushing all the negative stuff onto "the other", and saying that Steve, the "real me", wouldn't do that, I distort the truth. There's a lot of genuinely cruel things that Steve *would* do. I've come to regard the following as somewhat more useful, though the usage of the terminology - which is very idiosyncratic - will be rejected by some (especially sadists). What I now find is that I've top, dominant, and sadist aspects to the "pitcher" side of my personality. My top aspect is what, I believe, would be foremost in RL. As a top, my primary interest would be pleasing the bottom, more precisely, causing hir direct physical and emotional pleasure. Not that I wouldn't be doing things that I'd enjoy (compatible partners being quite important). But that wouldn't be my focus; making hir happy would be. There might be elements within the scene that sie didn't like, but the idea would be to structure the scene so that, on balance, it was a pleasure for hir. My dom aspect, which I believe would emerge fairly often with the right partner (but would not be a routine part of RL practice), would be focused on my pleasure, and given that I have sadistic impulses, this would often come from causing her pain (the change in pronouns was deliberate; I can see myself topping or co-topping a man, but I don't think that I'd want to dominate one). Not that I'd mind if she had some fun, and I certainly wouldn't mind doing some things that she enjoyed, maybe even on occasion (rare occasions ) because she enjoyed them. But the focus would be on my pleasure, and that might include pushing or exceeding her pain limits and continuing with things that she most sincerely and intensely did *not* want to continue; such things might continue, so long as I don't perceive harm (lasting damage) occuring. Her pleasure would not be a goal of the scene, *except* for the pleasure that she would receive from my pleasure*. Her safety, and her well-being, however, would be the leading goals of any scene. * - In a way, given how important it is to a submissive, at least to my kind of submissive, to know that the dominant is enjoying what sie's doing, and doing it because it's what *sie* wants to do, there's an interesting twist involved here: it's by being so completely selfish, and focusing strictly on hir own pleasure, that the dom can best fulfill some of the submissive's needs. And, while there are far too many people for whom selfishness comes easily, for others it's very hard to be selfish, at least to be unabashedly so, (especially for those with "bad" desires) making such a display an act of intimacy and vulnerability for the dominant (yet another of the many delicious ironies in wiitwd). My sadistic aspect, which I would never allow to emerge outside of fiction or fantasy, would be solely focused on my pleasure, and it would derive pleasure almost entirely from her fear and pain and humiliation (my dominant aspect would derive pleasure from other services she might provide (my dominant and sadistic aspects might have her do the same things, but as a dominant I'd do them for my direct pleasure, while as a sadist I'd do them to hurt her (from which I would, of course, be deriving pleasure; as an example of what I mean, I'd try to defer or avoid any physical reactions - however pleasant - that would interfere with my continuing to hurt her). My sadistic aspect would want to be sure that she did not experience pleasure (my dominant side wouldn't mind if she did, or care if she didn't (well, not a lot, anyway)). And my sadistic aspect would be indifferent to her well-being (except from a most totally self-interested motivation, i.e. don't break the toy unless she can be or has been replaced, or don't hurt her in such a way that she or an emergency room would report it to the authorities). Still much too simplistic; it's unlikely that I'd be in pure "top" mode, or ever not have the sadist mode operating someplace. But it's a better model for my personality than the Steve/S one. **************************************************************** The above discusses only my "pitcher" aspects. Some of my submissive aspects are dicussed in the following message of 7 May 1996, where, in a private email, I attempted to explain to a journalist how wiitwd seems to us (the message has had some additions and revisions since then). *** In any event, I'd like to challenge your views about sadomasochistic rituals and torture scenes. As it happens, I'm both a fairly light and a relatively inexperienced player, so I perhaps can't describe as well as others how different they are from the "sickening" events you imagine them to be, but I'll take a stab...eh, make an attempt. It would help if I really understood it myself. And even then I can only speak to some of it; the motivations and rewards are many and various and different people experience similar things in very different ways. For myself, there is something extremely compelling - I wish I could come up with a better description, but none quite applies - in being brought up to my limits. When the flogging is continued to the limits of what you can stand (or think you can stand), and your focus has become how to take just one more, and then just one more, and... (you get the idea) without asking for it to be stopped (asking if you're a submissive, instructing if you're a masochist; another topic for another time)..., well, I don't know exactly how to describe it. It's not, for me, fun. It isn't anything I could say was pleasurable, and it isn't erotic (at that time, though it can be in recollection). It's just... compelling. And it's something you want to do again as soon as you can (and when it's done, and you're cuddling in your top's lap, or perhaps having your sore back rubbed with soft fur, that's something else you want to do again soon). This isn't, BTW, an endorphin reaction. However, the endorphin rush, *is* one real good reason for doing painplay. It probably doesn't seem much like serious s&m to have the "catcher" (bottom, submissive, masochist, whatever) laughing, but when your system is saturated with endorphins and everything your top does - for that matter, just about everything you see, hear, or think of - seems enormously funny, that's a quite good reason for being chained and clamped and waxed. Then there's the quite special form of satisfaction ("pleasure" might not be an apt description) of seeing the excitement in one's pitcher's eyes and flushed face, or hearing her say how much she enjoys the way you squirm under the lash. Also, for me, there's an aspect of being helpless that is very attractive. I'm not a trusting person; paranoid might be a bit excessive - but not very much so. Oh, I sometimes give people my trust (or, probably more accurately, my reliance; it's a fact of life that we often must rely upon others, but this does not mean we trust them, only that an analysis of our interest finds that we are better served by relying upon someone than by not relying upon them), but when I do, it's not done secure in the belief that they won't fail or betray me, but rather in recognition of the advantage in relying upon them, and in confidence in my ability to manage should they fail or betray me. Feeling as I do, it's a delicious and luxuriant feeling when I can place myself completely in the hands of another, and feel helpless and vulnerable and yet totally safe. This is why, FWIW, that a desire for fear is not a part of my submissive aspect, which is somewhat unfair of me, as I adore *other* people's fear, but, for me, fear is antithetical to what I seek. If I could fear my dominant, I could not submit to her; were to she to succeed in making me afraid (afraid of *her*, as opposed to being afraid of the pain; the distinction may be hard to understand, but it's because I have no fear of my dominant that I can believe that I'm really safe, despite my fear of the pain, or of the things that bring it; faith in her makes the fear of them manageable; so long as I have no fear of my dominant, I have no fear for my well-being; should I come to fear for my well-being, it will mean I've become afraid of my dominant), as I've no doubt any skilled pitcher could, it would end my ability to submit to her. As a second FWIW, it's because of these asymettrical aspects of my aspects that I don't define myself as a switch, but rather as a sadistic submissive. Those are things I can speak of. There's others for whom painplay is deeply spiritual, many who use it to achieve states of altered consciousness (sometimes trance states, but generally the "catcher" is conscious and aware (in a way; there's much one isn't aware of, for example the passage a time - even in my experience, what seems like 30 minutes can really have been two hours) but in a different, and a delicious, state of consciousness). Some find that pain focusses their whirling minds, some find the challenge, and yes, the risk, necessary to deal with mundane existence (there are among painplayers a lot of people who have ADD and many others who like other kinds of high risk play (lots of rock and mountain climbers, for example; even some scuba divers). Some find that the events bond them in ways little else can, that the offering of one's body for pain and/or alteration is the most intimate and meaningful of gifts, and one accepted with due appreciation of the magnitude of that gift. In those cases where body modification is done, it's common for dominants to stay with their submissives through their piercings or brandings so that they may share the experience and/or receive *all* of the gift that's being given them. Addendum (taken from another email): .... As it happens, I've recently realized something that now seems obvious but that I'd overlooked before, and it may apply to other submissive sadists. I've given various reasons for my submitting to pain (if that is my dominant's pleasure) even though I do not enjoy or eroticize (while it's happening) pain. One that I ignored (probably because it's irrational and I don't like to admit irrational motivation) is this: As a sadist, the people that I most want to hurt are the people that I most like and respect (I sometimes feel like those primitive tribesmen that wish to eat the heart of the brave, except that my consumption of my victim's strength and courage is more psychic, that I want to sit by the torture table and absorb hir power as the pain is oh-so-gradually ratcheted upwardss, added bit by bit as sie struggles to hold out and because it is so gradual sie's given the time to tap all hir reserves of strength and courage, and so when sie finally breaks I know that I've taken from hir *all* that sie had and all that sie was and that in a fashion I've consumed hir soul, and what I most want to eat, and will want to eat most fully, are the souls of people that I really like and admire. How that relates to my submission, I think, is that, though I do *know* that other people don't all feel the same way, part of me still feels that, because *I* want to torture people I like and respect, any woman who really cares for me will want to hurt me. And so part of the reason for my "I don't want a woman to torture me, but I do want a woman to *want* to torture me" is, besides my genuine interest in her deriving pleasure from me and from my pain if that is her preference, is that I crave her craving for my pain because I believe - ah, no, that's not right, I don't believe it (I in fact know that it is not (necessarily) true); make that I *feel* - that if she really cares for me she will want my pain. It might all seem very obvious, but somehow it escaped my notice until now. Now, as I said, I do understand that most people are not going to feel that way, and so I'm not going to say that I could only be with kinky people because I need someone to want to hurt me (while I would say that I need to be with kinky people because I need someone who can appreciate, not merely accept or tolerate, my predatory aspects), but I do believe that this partly acounts for why I want my dominant to want to hurt me even though I'm not really a masochist, and why for me D/s in which I happily served, but in which my dominant didn't want to hurt me wouldn't be satisfying, and why, for me, there's nothing at all erotic about punishment, because I don't want to torture people because they were bad, but rather want to torture them because they are good (i.e I want to torture them because of what they are, not what they do, and I want torture them more the better I find them), and to some extent expect the same feeling in anyone who would dominate me.