Archive-name: Humour/man.txt
Archive-author: 
Archive-title: Chemical Analysis of Man


              A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS OF A DIGITATED, MAMMALIAN BIPED

ELEMENT           :  Male Human 
CHEMICAL SYMBOL   :  MA  
DISCOVERER        :  Eve 
ATOMIC WEIGHT     :  Accepted as 165 but is known to vary from 120 to 250 lbs
                      (mutations have been known to exceed 800 lbs.) 
OCCURRENCE        :  Quantities in all urban areas
APPROVED FORMULA  :  15.5:32:40
USES              :  I)   Useful when accompanying element WO, especially in
                          sports cars  
                    II)   Most powerful agent for allowing money to run 
                          through fingers 
                   III)   Can be a great aid to relaxation or a continuous
                          source of frustration 
PHYSICAL PROP.    :  I)   Surfaces hairy, sometimes bristly 
                    II)   Boils at inappropriate times and freezes during
                          highly competitive sporting activity
                   III)   Melts if given the proper treatment
                    IV)   Bitter if used incorrectly 
                     V)   Found in various states, especially Alaska 
                    VI)   Non-magnetic, some bordering on superconductivity
                   VII)   Yields to pressure applied by opposite elements 
                  VIII)   In its natural state it varies considerably, but
                          the shape is often artificially changed to conform
                          to that of a perfect specimen. Such transformations
                          can be seen at beaches and arenas 
                    IX)   In some instances may start to gain weight and look
                          like they have swallowed a keg of beer causing them
                          to release noxious gases noisily 
                     X)   Emits putrid fumes after vigorous activity
CHEMICAL PROP.    :  I)   Possesses a great affinity for gold and silver in
                          top layers while lower layers tend to be laden with
                          lead
                    II)   Able to absorb great quantities of expensive
                          substances
                   III)   May explode spontaneously if left alone with a
                          female 
                    IV)   Insoluble in liquids but activity is increased by
                          saturation in alcohol 
                     V)   Properties are vastly improved if specimen is
                          placed in the dark and massaged 
                    VI)   Most fusable with element WO
TESTS             :  I)   Pure specimens turn leathery if found in the
                          natural state 
                    II)   Turns green if placed beside a better specimen
CAUTIONS          :  I)   Highly dangerous except in experienced hands, must
                          be used with great care and patience if experiments
                          are to succeed
                    II)   It is illegal to possess more than one
                   III)   When detaching a permanent specimen get appropriate
                          counsel because the SPECIMEN COULD DRAIN THE BLOOD
                          FROM YOUR VEINS INDEFINITELY 
                    IV)   Tendancy toward self-destruction when ego is burned
                     V)   Age of specimen is in direct proportion to the
                          expense of having him around 

--