romance, mf, sexless, series

Maria and I slouched about our tiny love-nest of an apartment. I had a
viscious attack of the late-post-New Year's Eve-drunken munchies and had
just toasted and buttered a bagel. I put it on one of those turquoise
plastic plates I had discovered in the closet when I had first moved in, and
stepped into our living room.

The tee vee was on, perched atop a milk crate. The tee vee had a nineteen
inch screen. The milk crate was sixteen inches across. The milk crate would
have looked a lot more comfortable and secure on top of the tee vee. Maria
looked very comfortable propped up on the couch, her big eyelids slowly
dripping down her blue eyes. She was watching hippies fooling around with
the special effects generator on Clemson cable access. I sat down next to
her and set my plate in my lap. The space heater behind the couch blew a
pleasant gust of hot, dry air up my neck, which was only now beginning to
thaw from the five blocks we had briskly strode back from the party. I
peered at the tee vee.

"Are those hippies?" I asked.

"I went to high school with most of those guys," she said.

"Right," I said, "and the ones you didn't go to high school with, I did." A
scruffy looking kid was stuffing mustard into his mouth while the others
interviewed each other. There was lots of tie-dye everywhere. "Do they think
they're being creative?"

"Is that a bagel?" she asked, leaning her shoulder into my thigh. She tossed
her thick frizzy hair around her face and smiled up at me. Straight teeth.

"Yeah," I said, smiling down at her suspiciously, "Why, did you want it?"

"I'll take half."

I handed her the plate. "Take the whole thing," I said, getting up, "I'm
feeling big."

"You're looking big," she said, getting a prime view of my backside as I
rose. "You need new pants."

"I need to lose ten pounds," I said, heading into the kitchen.

"You need to stop taking me out to dinner," she said, munching her bagel.

"I always went out to dinner," I called out, "only now I have some lovely
company." I stuck my head into the fridge the relocate the bagels, which had
mysterious hidden themselves behind the butter.

"I love you, Kael Goodman," she said, sober, for a moment. I popped my head
up over the top of the refrigerator door and looked at her, squinting, my
glasses left by the answering machine.

Lying almost sideways on the couch, our couch in our apartment, was the most
beautiful woman in my life. Where the hell had I gotten off -- young, sexy
round face, she had dimples! The woman had dimples -- her heritage was
Greek, Irish, Native American even, mostly Greek though, her skin was pale
and her eyes were huge and her nose was long and straight. Oh yes, she had a
little mustache, most women do you know, but when she smiled at me her face
was bright and shiny and even now, plastered and stinky from party smoke, I
could tell she adored me and I was so happy she was there.

It hadn't been easy, I admit. One night, not long before, I'll never forget
this, we were at her old apartment, maybe last November. We'd been together
a month. We were lying on her bed, facing each other, my shirt was off and
she was running her fingers along all the twisted scars and bumps on my
chest. They were remnants of severe acne scarring, these 'war wounds' were
still quite red and visible. I had a few stray hairs sprouting along my
chest, connecting my nipples. Her plaid shirt was all unbuttoned, no bra,
her little breasts peeking out, her big nips still hard from minutes before
when I'd had her flat on her back, licking and sucking at them, making her
coo. I drew a line from her navel up between her breasts and up to her chin.
She was smiling.

"You know, Kael," she said, "I really like you."

"I like you, too, Maria," I said.

"I can't believe you made me dinner."

"I'm a sensitive eighties kinda guy," I said, "you have to know how to do
those sorts of things these days. If you want to get laid, anyway."

"Not tonight," she said.

"I understand."

"I'm going back to my old school this weekend," she said.

"I see," I said, and moved my face in and bit her lightly on the chin. She
growled approvingly. As I sucked at her neckline I said slurped out, "going
to visit what's his name?"

"He's my boyfriend, Kael."

I backed away a few inches. "And what am I?" I asked.

"Oh, I don't know," she said, "I love spending time with you, but I plan to
go back there after a semester or two and I really do love him, you have to
understand that."

I laughed in a disaffected manner. "I know, I know, and I am happy to
entertain you while you wait."

"Yeah," she said, "that's it, you're my little entertainer."

My mouth twitched slightly. It almost gave me away.

"Ha," I burst out suddenly, "well, yes, I do know what my place is. Kael
Goodman, pleaser of women."

"You're very good at it."

"Honey," I said, "I'm the best."

A half hour later I was in my car driving back to my apartment. My face was
tense, my brow furrowed, my knuckles blanched, gripping at the wheel. I
began to slam my palm against the dashboard as hot angry tears spewed out of
my eyes and streamed down my face.

"Dammit!" I howled, "no, no, NO! I do not want to do this again!" My voice
was loud and unbridled, phlegm collected in my throat which had completely
closed into itself, and I had difficulty breathing. I blubbered and bawled
little a child, trying desperately to keep my car on my side of the road as
I sobbed without care.

"I don't want this," I groaned. "Never, never, never, don't let me do this."
I tried to sort through all the horrible, pathetic and sad things I was
feeling.

"I do not want to fall in love," I sighed.

But I did. I already had. Unbelievable -- there I was at one thirty on a
school night, banging down Alex's door (she lived right across the street)
still sniffling and teary-eyed. Alex had been asleep but she knew something
was wrong when she opened the door. I asked if I could spend the night and
she said sure and I curled up next to her, it was very strange, I hadn't
been in the same bed with her since we'd last had sex, for the last time,
the previous June, and this wasn't exactly the same circumstance. She
dropped right off and I stared out the window trying to think of anything
except Maria.

And here we were two months later and she was mine, sitting on the couch,
watching stupid homemade tee vee and she said she loved me.

I was toasting myself a bagel when there was a knock at our door. It was
Humphrey, Maria's childhood playmate, former Eagle Scout, present day
Communist.

"Hey, come on in," I said.

"Kael, right?" he said, shaking my hand as he stepped in. Humphrey was a
hulking thing, a big long mass of blonde hair and a straggly thick beard,
but you could still see the little kid in his eyes. He had an uncomfortable
self-effacing laugh whenever he spoke.

"Yeah," I said, ushering him in and closing the door against the cold. "Warm
yourself up. Happy New Year."

"Happy New Year," he said. "Boy, it sure is low in here, isn't it?"

"Is that Humphrey?" Maria called from the living room.

"Yeah, honey," I said, "and yes, well, it used to be a basement, you know.
Maria's in there, watch your head as you go in."

"Thanks, ooh, is that a bagel in there?" he asked, pointing at the toaster
with one hand, removing his enormous army jacket with the other.

"Uh, yes," I said, "I was making it for you." Humphrey went into the living
room and I buttered the bagel for him. As I was putting another into the
toaster, there was another knock at the door, a very loud one.

It was Claire.

"Well," I said, letting her in, "I didn't expect to see you tonight."

"Who's that?" Maria yelled from the living room.

"It's me," Claire said.

"Who?" Maria bellowed.

"It's Claire," I said, shutting the door again.

"Claire?" Maria laughed.

"Never mind her," I said, "she's drunk. So am I."

"That makes three of us," Claire said, and sat down at the kitchen table. I
just stood there and looked at her.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

"Happy New Year," she said, smiling up at me benignly.

Claire was a freshman here at the University of Ohio. During the summer of
1988 I had a very, very brief thing with her. We were both doing summer
theater together and she'd come on to me very heavily at a cast party I had
thrown. I felt very awkward and self-conscious making out with a high school
student, but, you know, I did anyway. But it didn't last very long and it
didn't get very far, but that didn't keep her from making my life hell
whenever we ran into each other.

"Happy New Year," I said, "why are you here?"

"Apparently I missed you at the big party."

"I missed you, too, Claire," I said, "would you like a beer or something?"

"Yes," she said, and I went to get her one out of the fridge. I could see
Maria and Humphrey talking, she on the couch, he sitting cross-legged on the
floor next to her. They were eating bagels. Maria saw the look of
helplessness on my face and just smiled and rolled her eyes.

"This is a nice place," Claire said, accepting the beer, and then taking a
huge, long suck off of it.

"It's nice," I said, not sitting down, just leaning against the sink,
against the cracked brown contact paper that disguised whatever damage had
been done to it by previous tenants. The toaster went "ca-chuunk" and went
to put it on another plastic plate, this one peach colored. None of the
plates were the exact same size.

"Suplised to see me?" she asked.

"Yes," I said, scraping and buttering my bagel at the sink, "I haven't seen
you since, well since the last time I saw Thad I suppose. Some time last
semester."

"We aren't dating anymore," she said, squinting her beady little brown eyes
at me.

"I know you two aren't dating anymore, Claire."

"Why were you such a DICK to me, Kael?" she asked. The weight she put on the
word 'dick' made me wince and I cast another side-long glance into the other
room. They were laughing about something. I was hoping it wasn't me.

"I'd like to think I was being honest with you," I said.

"You dumped me really fast," she said, "you didn't need to do that." I
turned around and set my plate on the table before going to get myself a
beer.

"We weren't even 'dating', Claire," I said, rummaging in the fridge.

"Sure we were," she said.

"Ha!" I said. "We only did it once." I turned back and saw she had slid the
plate with my bagel on it to her side of the round table. "Don't touch
that," I said, menacingly.

She began to pick up the bagel. I lunged across the room at her and she
swiftly lifted the pate up and stepped back out of her chair and against the
far wall by the fire extinguisher.

"Don't you fucking DARE eat that," I said.

"Ha ha ha," she snickered. I countered around the table towards her. She
slid around the other side, stepping over boxes and huge undiscarded piles
of the U of O Examiner.

"I'm warning you," I said.

"You're warning me what?" she said as she slipped further around the table,
foot crossing over unsteady foot.

"It's been a long night, and you can stay here and abuse me, if you wish."

"Oh, I do."

"But all I want is THAT FUCKING BAGEL!"

She stopped where she stood, in front of the fridge, and looked into the
next room.

"Hey Maria," she said.

"Hello, Claire."

"Hiya Humphrey."

"Nice to see you Claire."

"So," Claire said, leveling her gaze at me, "is SHE here now? She's your
main thing?"

"Give me that bagel, woman."

"She your new GIRLFRIEND?" she asked.

Conversation in the next room had stopped. I was pressed, this was the
challenge of my collegiate sexual career.

"Yes," I said, "yes Claire, Maria is my girlfriend. She lives here. She
belongs here and you do not." I stood up straight, almost hitting my head on
the ceiling. "Now," I said, taking a deep breath, "just...please...give me
the bagel. Give me the bagel and no one gets hurt."

Her face dropped and a slight quiver came to her thin bottom lip. She
slammed the plate onto the table.

"Here," she said, "take your stupid bagel."

"Thank you," I said, even though the impact of her action had caused one
half of it to fall onto the floor. Claire then turned, picked up her beer
and slammed out my front door.

Humphrey quickly walked through the kitchen, his coat half on, a partially
chewed bagel sticking out of his mouth.

"Fee you, Kael," he said, heading for the door.

"Oh, no, Humphrey," I said, "you don't have to go."

"Oh don't worry," he said, I understand." And with that he closed the door
behind him. I watched him go, and looked back at Maria, smiling wryly at me,
still just sitting on the couch. I picked up my plate. I retrieved the bagel
from the floor (it landed buttered side up, thank you) and dusted it off. I
looked at it. I looked at Maria. I took a big, comical, tiger-sized bite out
of it, complete with "Aaarumph!" sound effect and Maria giggled.

Fwump, I sat on the couch next to her, and she put an arm around me.

I whimpered slightly.

"Aw," she said, "my poor little Casanova."

"I didn't mean to drive your friend away," I said, chewing mournfully.

"You didn't," she said, "he told me he couldn't stay long."

"I told her," I said, in my best child-like voice, "that, that you were my
GIRLfriend."

"Yes," she said, "I heard. The neighbors heard."

"Wanna have sex?" I asked.

"Do you?"

"No," I said, "not really, not now."

"Then let's just watch tee vee."

"What's on?" I asked.

"You are."

And I looked at the screen. And there I was. It was a little project I had
done for access the summer before.

"Jesus Christ," I said. I was in my underpants, delivering a monologue I
made up on the spot about insects or something. "They'll let anyone on that
channel."

"That's this apartment, isn't it?"

"Sure is."

"How much did that cost?"

"Nothing," I said, "They just let you borrow the equipment and you do the
rest. Hey, and that reminds me."

"Yaas," she drawled.

Mind if I videotape us fucking?" I asked.

"Hmn," she said, "well sure, why not."

We watched me talk for a little while longer in silence.

"Hey," she said, "I just thought of something."

"Yaas?"

"Who gets the tape if we break up?"

I looked at her and smiled. I looked down at her lap. I looked back up.

"You worried about that?" I asked.

"No," she said, "not right now."