The Tomboy Tapes It was going to be another one of those mornings at the breakfast table, I thought as my mother and sister began arguing. "Why can't you dress up a little bit for school Cindy," Mom sniped. "It wouldn't hurt you to look a little more like a girl now and then you know!" "I look like most of the other girls mom," Cindy replied in between bites of toast. "The days of wearing dresses and heels to school went out with hoop skirts! Do you want me to look like some kind of freak?" "I just want you to look your best that's all," Sighed mom. "I want everyone to see what a pretty daughter I have!" "You're sweet mom," Cindy smiled as she chugged down her juice. "Sweet but so old fashioned!" As Cindy ran out the door mom had already turned her attention to poor dad , hounding him about Cindy's looks and grades. "She could do much better in school if she were motivated, I know she could be getting A's and B's instead of the C's she gets now. If I could just find some way to motivate her to dress better and work harder." Mom lamented. "I understand dear but I can't suggest any new ways to motivate her either," Dad was just as upset as she was but Cindy remained cool and calm no matter how hard they tried to change her. Sometimes it seemed as if they were pushing a big mound of Jell-O, but that couldn't be right, I thought, Jell-O could be molded! Several weeks later I saw Cindy dumping several cassette tapes into the garbage then trying to cover them over to prevent their being found. "I've never seen you work so hard Cindy," I joked walking into the room. "What's up?" "Motivational tapes," She sneered as she mixed up the trash. "A little present from mom and dad. They figure that if I listen to them I’ll work harder in school and it'll even spill over into my homelife. I sort of hate to disappoint them but they're not brainwashing me into becoming some little "Goody Two Shoes!" "Hold on a sec, I've heard a lot about those kinds of programs and they're supposed to be really helpful! Why not try them and see, what can it hurt?" I asked eagerly. It wasn't so much that I was eager to help Cindy, more that I saw a chance to be a real pain in her side! Cindy shrugged and pointed to the trash. "If you're so thrilled about them help yourself, have I mentioned lately that you are such a suck up?" She called, leaving the room. "But a well motivated one!" I laughed as I cleaned off my newly acquired treasures. Here was a golden opportunity to show Cindy up, I'd just listen to the tapes myself and when our parents see my report card I'll tell them about the tapes! I put them in the back of one of my desk drawers so that mom wouldn't accidentally run across them, no point ruining my own surprise! I put the tapes on before going to bed but even with the volume nearly all of the way up I had to listen intently to hear anything then closed my eyes and went to sleep. The next morning I tried my best but just couldn't remember much about the tape. I did know though that it had been a very sound night's sleep and that I was feeling very refreshed and anxious to get started! "You're looking good this morning Jim," Commented dad. "Ready for that big test today? You need an "A" to pull your grade up for the year you know. " "Studied all evening dad," I smiled wondering what kind of an edge I'd get from that tape I had listened to. "I can't wait to take it!" "That's wonderful Jim," Mom said as she gave him a hug. "I'm sure you'll get an A!" "Suck up!" Scoffed Cindy as she came into the room. I just smiled and stuck my tongue out at her, I enjoyed being mom's favorite and I wasn't going to start an argument with Cindy at breakfast, that was mom's job! Mom started up right on schedule. "How were the tapes Cindy, feeling more motivated today?" "They were great mom, I can't wait to get to school!" Cindy shot a quick look at me to see if he'd give her away. We both knew the only motivation for her to get to school was to see her friends but I'd keep quiet for now! "Gotta run, nice chatting!" She called on her way out the door. Mom smiled broadly, "I think they're starting to help her already," She told dad. "I can't wait to see her report card! This is going to be a turning point in her life, I just know it will" "Yes dear, I'm sure they've helped," He mumbled through his newspaper. "What was that about her report card?" "Go back to your paper dear, " Mom said with an exaggerated sigh. "I'll let you know when your daughter makes the Honor Roll!" "Betcha I get there first!" I offered as I took small bites of toast and sipped at my juice. Somehow I just wasn't in my usual hurry to gobble down breakfast, must be that tape calming me down for the test today, I thought to myself. Mom smiled sweetly and patted me gently on the back. "We're sure you can make it dear, it's Cindy we're worried about. Of course with those tapes she may just pass you up!" "Fat chance mom," I was suddenly defensive. " Cindy will never be as good as me so passing me up would be a fantasy!" "Give your sister a chance Jim," Dad suddenly put down his paper. "You'll feel awfully silly if she beats your grades so don't start gloating." "Stupid too." I mumbled under my breath. Dad took a swipe at me with his rolled up paper. "I heard you, now shut up and give the girl a chance. We went through a lot of trouble getting her to listen to those tapes and we're expecting to see results" "All right, I'll keep quiet." I replied as I sulked out the door feeling very let down. "But don't expect too much, we all know there isn't that much to work with!" I wanted to add; "Especially since she's not even listening to them He thought to himself ," but I'll just bide my time! "Thanks for not giving me away at breakfast," Cindy told me later. "That was very sweet of you." "I didn't do it for you," I insisted. "If I gave away the story mom would've taken the tapes away from me and I want to keep them." "Hey I don't care either," Cindy shrugged as we walked to class. "You're welcome to all the stuff mom and dad give me. Maybe there will be lessons on being a better suck up in one of them!" She laughed derisively. "Suck up? Me?" I exploded angrily as my face becoming to burn. "Dad rushed to your defense at breakfast this morning, so maybe you've been doing a little sucking up yourself? Playing the old "Daddy's Girl" routine again?" Cindy laughed and brushed her hair back with a quick flick of her wrist. "A little kiss goes a long way with guys, especially when it comes from their daughter!" "I bet them that you'll never be nearly as good as I am and kisses to dad won't make a difference," I scoffed unable to help but feel that she was somehow cheating. "I'm smarter, more motivated and with those tapes I'll pass you in a flash!" "Don't care, I'm still way prettier that you!" She laughed as she threw back her head and fluffed her hair. Weeks went by with Cindy and mom still occasionally arguing over breakfast, Cindy was a slacker, there was no doubt about that but her grades weren't that bad. They both knew that the argument had deeper meaning for mom, Cindy had never been the sweet little girl of mom's dreams, she despised baby dolls, and fought being dressed up in pretty outfits even as a child. Even if Cindy had made the Honor Roll mom would not have be satisfied unless Cindy accepted the award in a beautiful gown! "Are you doing better in school Cindy?" Mom would ask in an innocent tone. "School still sucks mom," Cindy would nonchalantly shoot back to mom's horror. "Sucked then, sucks now, and it will go on sucking forever!" "I saw a really cute outfit at the mall yesterday honey," Mom would venture in a vain attempt to move the conversation around to what she really wanted to talk about. "Maybe I'll pick it up for you, it would make a nice school outfit." "Got enough jeans and stuff mom thanks," Cindy would shoot her down in flames. "Besides I'm not going to school in one of those "Little Miss Muffet" outfits you like so much. Too frilly for me!" Suddenly a picture of a frilly dress with puffy sleeves and a full skirt popped into my head. "Such a pretty outfit," I found myself thinking. "Cindy's so lucky and she just doesn't realize it! I'd kill for a dress like that." I nearly choked on my milk as I struggled to regain my thoughts. "What made me think something that crazy," I wondered. "Why would I want to wear a dress?" "What's your problem?" Cindy asked. "Thinking of getting one of the cheerleaders into an outfit like that? I'd bet you'd love that!" "I wasn't thinking anything at all!" I insisted, afraid that somehow she knew about the words that wouldn't go away. "But now that you mention it mom's right, you would look nice in a pretty outfit like that. It wouldn't hurt to look a little more like a girl you know! Think of how nice you'd make mom feel." "If you're so concerned about mom's feelings why don't you take the job?" Cindy shot back maliciously. "What job, what are you talking about," I asked puzzled that I had somehow lost track of the conversation. "Daughter of the family!" Laughed Cindy as she waved her hand towards me. "There you go mom, your very own sweet little girl just waiting for you to dress her up in a pretty little dress with patent leather shoes, a little purse and gloves. You two could have a great time shopping for cute little party dresses!" "You're nuts!" I shouted ready to reach across the table at her. "You're a sicko too talking about stuff like that! It's just that..... oh forget it!" Cindy looked at me strangely for a second or two before rushing off to meet her friends. I suddenly had a terrible feeling in my stomach. " How did I let myself get involved in a discussion about my sister's wardrobe, I must be losing my grip!" "Gotta roll," I blurted, grabbing my books and running out the door. I pushed myself to think of an upcoming trigonometry test to prevent those strange thoughts from returning. "Here ya go Jim," Cindy announced as she tossed several new tapes onto his bed a few days later. "Mom's motivational series, part two!" She laughed as she threw herself into a chair. "I don't know if I want these after our argument," I said even as I pulled the tapes towards me. "You were awfully nasty to me that morning you know." "You're breaking my heart Jim," Cindy sneered. "I seem to remember that you jumped on mom's side and took a cheap shot at me! Now you've got the nerve to sit here and pretend you're precious little feelings have been hurt. Bummer!" "But honestly Cindy," My voice took on a tone of sadness, of being misunderstood. "I was really trying to help you, you could look so pretty if you got dressed up once in a while..." Cindy dropped to her hands and knees and began scouring the room. "Come on out, I know you're here," She called out. "I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you if you don't mind!" I shouted as Cindy continued her searching. "What in the world are you doing?" "Looking for mom of course," She grinned. "I know she's hiding here somewhere, I can hear her! I can't figure out how she got your mouth to move as if it were really you talking but I am impressed!" "Get out of here you idiot!" I screamed as I finally lost my patience. "You're too stupid to realize how nice you could look and how happy you'd make mom!" Cindy turned and smiled. "The jobs still open and you can help yourself to any dress in my closet!" As she slammed the door behind her I threw myself on my bed and fought back the tears. Cindy was right, I had sided with their mother against her but why? It wasn't even my usual cheap shot at her, I was really trying to help! Now though Cindy thinks I should be some kind of sissy running around pretending to be a girl and if that's not bad enough there are those thoughts! The thoughts kept popping into my head at the most inopportune times, just that past week I had been in the middle of a History test on Victorian England and couldn't seem to force a picture of myself all done up in a pretty lace dress with a floppy hat and parasol from my mind. Not long afterwards I began to let my hair grow even though my parents badgered me daily to get it cut. "I think I look good with long hair mom," I patiently explained. "Lots of guys wear their hair long and some even pull it back in sort of a ponytail! It looks really great and it's the latest style." "The latest style for boys is to look like girls?" Dad asked with barely concealed scorn. "Sounds great, first you got an ear pierced and now you're letting your hair grow. Are you nuts or what?" "Gotta keep up with things dad or I'll end up as a nerd." "You already are a nerd," Laughed Cindy. "Now you're just a funnier looking nerd!" "Enough from both of you," Scolded mom. "Jim, If you're going to have long hair you better make sure it's kept neat and clean or I'll cut it off while you sleep! And Cindy, listen to those tapes, I don't plan on throwing money away!" "Don't worry mom, I'm making good use of them!" Cindy assured her after a quick glance my way. I knew that I wasn't about to call her a liar, I enjoyed the tapes far too much to cut off my supplier. "And I'll keep my hair nice mom, I promise," I added feeling relieved that I could let my hair grow. Lately having long hair had become very important to me but I just couldn't seem to focus on a reason. "Maybe," I thought to myself. "I'm just trying to outdo Cindy again by showing her that I could look good in long hair when she insisted on keeping hers short." What I couldn't bring myself to admit though were the thoughts I was having of how pretty I would look with long curly hair! The arguments between my sister and mother continued on as did the tapes which as far as I was concerned kept getting better and better. The last bunch promised motivational messages mixed in with songs from some of the hottest rock groups, I would spend hours playing the tapes over and over while studying or drifting off to sleep. I kept waiting for my grades to take a giant leap forward, after all I played the tapes religiously and mom had promised Cindy they'd make a big difference in her life if she only relaxed and let the messages work. I 'd spent many an evening with just a small light on in my room, headphones clamped to my ears, relaxed, listening, absorbing, and waiting. One reason I concentrated so hard on those tapes was because those goofy ideas kept coming back to me, you know the ones about wearing pretty dresses and having long curly hair. No matter how much I concentrated on those tapes though the thoughts kept coming. One day I was reading a newspaper and suddenly find myself drawn to an advertisement for girl's clothes. I stared at that page for five minutes straight and when I was finally able to put it down I had an overwhelming urge to put on some of my sister's clothes! Luckily no one was home and I quickly raced upstairs and threw open the door to Cindy's closet. There, pushed to the back I saw what I wanted, a simple, pink minidress that Cindy had worn once when dad took us out to celebrate a promotion at work. I grabbed the dress and quickly ran back to my room and locked the door. I swiftly removed my shirt, undid my belt, unfastened my jeans and stepped out them. My heart was pounding and my hands were shaking as I pulled Cindy's dress over my head then tugged it over my hips. Just as I finished adjusting it I was overcome with the most wonderful, peaceful, feeling I'd ever know. I stared at myself in the mirror, unable to move, unwilling to change. "This is Heaven!" I thought. I must have worn that dress for nearly half an hour, I practiced posing in different positions, walking, and sitting until just as suddenly as the urge hit me to put it on I felt that I had to take it off. I couldn’t stop for a second until I had the dress safely back in Cindy's closet and had my pants back on. My heart was still beating wildly and my hands were sweaty and shaking. I couldn't believe that I had actually put on one of Cindy's dresses but my unbuttoned shirt and loose belt were proof that something terrible had happened. Or had it? I just wasn't sure and it was driving me mad! After that I found myself doing strange things that made me think I was going nuts. One day I was taking a shower and reached to shut the water off only to pick up the razor Cindy used to shave her legs. I stared at the razor and then at my legs. Suddenly I was disgusted by the hair on my legs, lathering up with a bar of soap I sat down on the side of the tub and removed every strand of hair from my ankles to my butt! Whatever demon was possessing my mind wasn't satisfied though and without giving it a second thought I shaved my underarms too! I ran my hands along my now smooth legs and admired the shapeliness I never before realized they had. They were smooth, silky, very pretty and I was very happy! I smoothed lotion over them to help keep my skin soft and silky then carefully patted myself dry with the fluffiest towel I could find before reluctantly pulling on my briefs and jeans. It wasn't until I was sitting on my bed putting on a pair of socks that I realized with horror what I had done! "What's wrong with me?" I wondered as I absentmindedly counted the strokes of the brush through my hair. After it happened I was sure that everyone I met could somehow tell that I tried on my sister's dress, fortunately I quickly realized that there was no way for that to be possible. It happened in the privacy of my room, I took it off and put it away again and there was nothing left to show for it, I was safe. Or at least I was until now! Now I'd be stuck wearing long pants even though the weather was warming up and everyone else would be wearing shorts. I was stuck until the hair on my legs grew back, if it ever would! If that wasn't bad enough there was always the problem with my underarms, if I wore my favorite muscle shirts, I couldn't raise my arms lest my girlish underarms be seen. "Boy, I really screwed up this time," I thought as I began my hundred strokes on the other side of my head. Once I finished my daily brushing routing I gathered my hair and pulled it back into a ponytail. "Too bad I can't use one of Cindy's scrunchies to hold my ponytail," I thought to myself as I put a rubber band around it. "These rubber bands are giving me split ends." At school I tried to concentrate on what was going on in class but I kept getting distracted by the girls in my classes. I couldn't stop staring at some of them, especially if they wore a skirt or dress! I didn't care what Cindy said about not wearing dresses to school, these girls wore them and they looked great! Judging from the way they acted they really seemed to enjoy being dressed up, they walked differently, they sat differently, everything they did seemed so feminine that it drove me wild and to my amazement jealous! I had to be crazy! I'm supposed to be a normal teenage boy lusting after pretty girls yet more and more I was envious of their pretty clothes, the way they wore their hair, and the way they moved. I wanted to be just like them, to have long, pretty hair, to wear pretty dresses and nylons, to tantalize with a slight scent of my perfume. It was insane, positively insane but I couldn't control the feelings building up in me, I wanted to be the daughter mom always wanted Cindy to be! I wanted to wear pretty dresses to school, to do my nails in pretty colors, I wanted to experience the delightfully wonderful world of a pretty young woman! One day in school there was a pep rally and the cheerleaders were allowed to wear their uniform's to class. I was in Hell as I watched those pretty girls in their short skirts walking down the halls laughing and having the time of their lives. Why was I stuck in these awful pants and plain shirt when I should be wearing something colorful and pretty? I had to do something about it but until I got home I would have to endure the torture of seeing these girls so self confident in their femininity practically daring me to join them!