Archive-name: Miscell/pure-001.501 Archive-author: Archive-title: Purity Test - 1 Question ================================================================================ THE UNISEX, OMNISEXUAL P U R I T Y T E S T _______________________________________________________________________________ Version 5.01 (1) Final Release 11-September-1989 _______________________________________________________________________________ Public domain; no copyright. All rights wronged, all wrongs reversed. Up with going down. The risen flesh commands: let there be love. Murphy's law on sex: Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics. Chaste makes waste. Virginity can be cured. This document was not sponsored by the Department of Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, and was not monitored by the Air Force Avionics Laboratory. The views and conclusions contained in this document should not be interpreted as representing the official policies, either expressed or implied, of the Defense Advanced Projects Agency or the US Government. Neither should it be interpreted nor inferred that the authors/contributors have actually performed any of the actions contained herein. _______________________________________________________________________________ Disclaimer of Liability The user of this test acknowledges that sex is a hazardous sport; that a person must copulate in control, and use good judgement at all times; that partners' conditions vary constantly and are greatly affected by weather changes and previous use; and that dirty sheets, variations in terrain and bed surfaces, spouses/pimps/managers, forest growth, rocks and debris, clothed obstacles, and many other natural and man-made obstacles and hazards, including other users and customers, exist throughout the bedroom area. Personal managers (pimps/spouses) and sado-masochistic operations and equipment are constantly in use and may be hazardous to those not copulating in control. Impotence, collisions, and social diseases resulting in injury can happen at any time, even to those copulating in control with proper sexual equipment. Inherent risks are part of the sport and may exist within your partner. As a condition of being permitted to use the facilities of your partner, the user of this test agrees to copulate in control and within the limits of his/her ability, and further acknowledges and accepts these hazards, dangers, and risks and assumes the risk of injury or loss to person or damage to property which might result from use of the partner's facilities. As a further condition of being permitted to use the facilities of your partner, the customer understands and agrees that: (1) in the event of a transfer of use by another or anything else in the management's opinion is misconduct, misuse, kinky, impotence, or nuisance, this service may be revoked s/he must be presented to any authorized representative of the pimp/spouse; (3) sexual equipment must be visibly displayed at all times when you are in any bedroom and when approaching the bed to copulate. Your sexual partner is not transferable; see Theft of Services, V.S.A., sections 2581 and 2582. _______________________________________________________________________________ Purity Test Genesis/History: Version 1 (100) Created at MIT's Baker House. Two parallel versions; one for male, and one for female. Not much is known about this version. It was ported to CMU by ps in 1982. Version 2 (247) Spring 1983 - CMU/jb, pd, kr, ps, ts, mt, et al. Expanded to 247 questions. This marked the beginning of the unisex versions. The story goes that they intended it to be 250 questions, but got tired that night and said "we'll think of three more tomorrow", and tomorrow never got there. Version 3.3C.1 (400) on 05-Dec-1984 First formal release general of this test, version 3.xx. All former versions were short-lived and tended to be bug-ridden. Does not discriminate against gays or bi's. Good correspondence of scores (especially in the higher score ranges) between this version and version 2. Added Genesis/History section. Version 3.4 (400) on 29-Jan-1985 Internal version; never released. Source code accidentally destroyed, much to the consternation of one of the authors. Cleaned up many bugs. Added sections: Disclaimer of Liability, Instructions for Use, Scoring, and Warranty Information. Version 3.5 (400) on 10-Apr-1985 Rebuilt from the 3.3C.1 source and the 3.4 (only surviving copy) Xerox X9700 laser printer hardcopy. Cleaned up same bugs in 3.4; wiped out a duplicate question. Added in verbose history section. Version 3.5A (400) on 13-Apr-1985: CMU/da, fa, tc, no, dt, sv, rz, et al Found that we had 431 questions instead of 400. Version 3.5B (400) on 18-Mar-1986: Yale (Pierson College)/ as Intermediate release, with footnotes integrated into main body of text and some grammatical errors cleaned up. Begun in Fall, 1985; finished in April for the benefit of a friend at MIT (where it all began), who hadn't seen any versions except the antique Version 1. Version 3.5C (400) on 17-Jan-1988: Yale (Pierson College)/mmd (CLARINET@YALEVM) Grammatical errors corrected. Introduction and history cleaned up. Version 4.0 (500) on 23-April-1988: Yale (Silliman College)/dfc, ad, dcg, mlm, and Dartmouth (Alpha Theta)/alb. Original 400-question version expanded to 500 questions. Version 5.0 (1) on 19-June-1989: SUNY College at Oswego and SUNY University at Buffalo. Ludicrously long 500-question version trimmed to 1 question. Version 5.01 (1) on 11-September-1989: Final proofread and edit of 1 question version and preparation for release to the world. _______________________________________________________________________________ Instructions for Use: This is a fairly short test consisting of one question (quite time consuming). There are many ways of going about taking this test. You can, of course, as your right, guaranteed by the Constitution, be anti-social and sequester yourself in your room and take this test all by yourself; however, we feel that the funnest way to utilize this test is to hold a Purity Test Party. All you need is one copy of the test, and a bunch of friends. (Lots of writing implements and paper would be useful too.) The person with the copy of the test is the test administrator; s/he reads the question out loud and everybody else writes down their answer. We have no definite rules as to whether the participants are required to divulge their answer; that is up to the group to decide. However, each person's purity score should be made common knowledge. (The person with the highest score gets to be giggled at for the rest of his/her life.) This works great at parties and lets everybody know who's easy and who isn't, so you'll know who to go home with. Don't leave home without it. Definitions All questions in this test pertain to events that have happened to you subsequent to your weaning and babyhood/infancy. Anything that may have happened before that time is considered not standing and void. The term mutual masturbation refers to someone masturbating you AND/OR you masturbating someone else, not exclusively both at the same time. We would also like to define having sex in the homosexual case; homosexual sex has occurred when both partners are of the same sex and one of the partners has an orgasm while there is some contact between the genitals of both partners. We would now like to bring to your attention that there is no passing nor failing score. Therefore, one really shouldn't worry too much about getting a high score... even if you do get giggled at for the rest of your life. --- ALL TECHNICALITIES COUNT --- (Editor's Note: These rules have been slightly modified, but have maintained their original flavor, including embarrassing references to masturbation and giggling.) _______________________________________________________________________________ Section 1: The Big Question. 1 Question. For this section, if you are mostly a: - heterosexual, then your partner in deed, often referred to by the word "someone" or "partner", is to be someone of the OPPOSITE gender. - homosexual, then your partner in deed, often referred to by the word "someone" or "partner", is to be someone of YOUR OWN gender. - 50-50 confirmed bisexual, then your partner in deed, often referred to by the word "someone" or "partner", is to be someone of the OPPOSITE gender. - asexual, then go take another test; we don't need your dull type around HERE! 1. Are you pure? _______________________________________________________________________________ I. Scoring Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a sheet of paper containing one itty-bitty answer to the Purity Test (Ooooooh!). Sworn to excellence of workmanship, we now give you directions on how to calculate your Purity score. There are several methods; the calculator method works best. Also there is the a la mainframe method. (A DECsystem-2060 works great as a PC.) Scoring method: Count "yes" answers. Multiply the result by 100. The result is your percentage purity. The higher the number, the more pure you are; in the same vein, the lower the score, the more of a sleaze-bag you are. (Kinda cut-and-dry, black-and-white, eh?) For your reference, we include calculator directions: For people with real calculators (HP): <# of YES answers> [ENTER] 100 * For people with other (dinky) calculators: <# of YES answers> * 100 = _______________________________________________________________________________ II. Warranty Information We hope that you have enjoyed this test. It does not come with a warranty, nor does it guarantee that it will get you laid or make you somehow somewhat better in bed or the haystack. The makers of this test are not responsible for any liabilities or damages resulting from this test, including but not limited to paternity suits. Ask your doctor or pharmacist. Do not open back panel; no user serviceable parts inside. Propagate (this test) at will, even without the written permission of the publisher; just DON'T edit or change it. In reproducing this test, the authors of this test may exercise droit de seigneur over you, your immediate family, or fiance(e). You may or may not have additional rights which may vary from state to state (i.e. inebriated, ecstacy). (Editor's Note: Yeah, right.) Not recommended for children under twelve. Parental guidance discouraged and frowned upon. Pencils, additional paper, and batteries not included. Some assembly may be required. Does not come with any other figures. _______________________________________________________________________________ Drive carefully; 90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents. The above is a public service announcement of this institution. EDITOR'S FINAL NOTE: This 'unofficial' version of the purity test was designed with one thought in mind: that PEOPLE HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN SIT AROUND AND ASK ABSURD NAUGHTY QUESTIONS! I mean, it's one thing to ask "Have you ever done it?" but it's another thing to ask "Have you ever done it while piloting an aircraft of over 30,000 pounds unladen net weight over a foreign country in the late summer while reading a copy of 'Wuthering Heights' and being almost (but not quite) totally naked?" and to ask about every other bloody state in between!! 400 questions was a daunting task, but 500 questions? EYUUGH! Not to mention that after plowing through the 500-question test one time, almost every person we've talked to has had their Purity score go up! So we've taken it upon ourselves to alleviate the burden of taking a long-winded, inaccurate examination by reducing it to a quick quiz of personal beliefs; if YOU think you've done enough to be impure, GO FOR IT! Far be it for US to tell you how pure you are! It's all up to you. And isn't that what it's all about, anyway? ************> Brought to you by: Patrick G. Salsbury, Super Genius <*********** ************> Joseph V. Prisco, aka Pope Zaphod I of the 80 columns <*********** ************> and your local True Value Hardware dealer... <***********